Rant #15: GameSpy
Posted 10.18.2010
ANNOYANCE LEVEL: OVER 9000
Okay, GameSpy is a motherfucking piece of rancid dongle. That being said, I also have to ask "How in the name of fuck are they still in business?" Like... no, seriously. How? I don't mean the site in general, I'm talking about the GameSpy Arcade service that is used in many big-name games to host the multiplayer. In this rant I'm going to be looking at two games in particular, Borderlands and The Scourge Project: Episode 1 and 2. Both of these games utilize GameSpy for the multiplayer aspect, hosting and joining games, etc. They require that you forward such and such ports... but even after doing so, correctly, they STILL DON'T FUCKING WORK.
Let's start with Borderlands. I can NOT for the life of me host a game of this. Not ever. It's impossible. A friend of mine, who has a different internet service, can host it. Another friend on my same internet service can host it. My (ex)girlfriend can host it from a different town on DSL. I can't. I have serious issues with this! I LOVE hosting games, just because. I've always been the host machine among my friends, even back in the Xbox LAN party days. Why? I dunno, I guess I like having control of the game settings. I've hosted tons of games in the past, Unreal Tournament 99, 2004, Left 4 Dead 1 and 2, but anything that uses GameSpy, I'm fucked. And it's not just me. I constantly read bitching in the forums about being unable to host GameSpy games even after proper port forwarding. It's just a retarded piece of shit system that doesn't work. AT ALL. What's worse is, if you search for port forwarding and info on Google, there are dozens of posts on how people got it to work, but they always list different sets of ports. Some will list more ports than others, and so on. It's like nobody has a definitive answer on what works, so you have to try dozens of different port forward combinations hoping something will take, but no, it's just sitting there mocking you. GameSpy, FUCK YOU.
Now, Scourge Project. This is the same deal. I tried everything short of unplugging the router for a direct connection to the net. I got shat upon and mocked by the GameSpy Gods that dictate if you can play a game or not over their shit. My friend (the one that can host Borderlands) couldn't even host this game. Turns out our other friend (who can also host BL) is the ONLY PERSON that can host this game. Now that is some fuck.
Also, Unreal Tournament III (yes, that's a 3 for those that don't know Roman Numerals) uses this load of cumfuck for the multiplayer -- and guess what, I can't host games of this either, and that's the main reason for this rant. I've spent hours tonight and last night trying to get a suitable host set up for our little gaming group, and it's just not gonna happen. Why? Because GameSpy fucking sucks. I really don't understand how it still exists and why anyone ever uses it in their games.
To all game developers that use GameSpy or are considering using GameSpy, to the people that run GameSpy, to anyone that defends GameSpy and touts it as a "reliable and functioning" service, to the ants and bugs and moths and spiders and other insects that make their home in and around the GameSpy offices, to the trees and grass and dirt and air and water in around said offices, to the internet service provider that GameSpy goes through, to the manufacturers and developers of the machines and software that GameSpy develops their shit on, and lastly, to anyone that can actually make GameSpy games work with little hassle AND a router active at the same time:
FUCK YOU, BITCH!!!