Rant #28: Chick Flicks Are All The Same!
Posted 4.27.13


So I'm sitting here about to start writing Rant #28 after seeing something reallllly fucking stupid (which I'll come back to in #29)... and I happen to glance over at the TV on in the background and this chick flick is playing ("Raise Your Voice") and I caught a scene that I've seen in literally every chick movie ever and it further affirmed what I've known about chick flicks for years. The plot of every fucking one of them goes like this:

You've got this kind of shy and/or outcast-type girl with a great hidden talent for singing/dancing/stripping/whatever, they come across an opportunity to capitalize on said talent, fuck it up at the beginning but thanks to help from their secret crush they get another chance. Right before said chance comes up, the snobby female competition does something (usually something slutty) to fuck up the growing relationship between Shy Girl and Secret Crush, Shy Girl runs off crying without giving the guy a chance to explain that it was all Queen Whorebitch's fault and what she saw was totally not what happened and that Shy Girl was just jumping to conclusions. Eventually they bump into each other, usually just hours before the big second chance, and they get a chance to clear things up, then girl goes on to win whatever big chance or competition by a landslide and snobby girl is disgusted and walks away sneering or whatever and the girl gets her secret crush and they all live happily-ever-fucking-after. The End.

I just summed up the plot to every single music/dance-based "inspirational" chick flick in history. I know how every one of these is going to play out immediately upon seeing it start, but that's not my biggest problem with these fucking movies. My biggest problem is "that scene", you know, the one I mentioned where the snobby competition does something slutty to cause the guy to hurt the starlet?

It usually goes like this: Snobby Competition comes off all sweet and innocent on the Secret Crush of the Shy Girl and somehow knows that Shy Girl is going to show up, so she puts the moves on Secret Crush with clockwork timing so that Shy Girl comes in and sees Snobby Competition lip-locked with Secret Crush. Secret Crush is usually like "wtf bitch?!" and then turns to see Shy Girl standing there in horror. "Wait!" he yells but she takes off like a fucking dumbass and somehow manages to outrun his ass all the way back home and refuses to listen to him or even talk and find out what the hell he was doing. There is literally about half an hour of movie that could be cut out if the girl would stop and listen. Secret Crush would be like "Hey, we were just talking and she pounced me, I don't want that slut." and Shy Girl would be like "Really?" and he'd be like "Yeah she's a complete fucking whore. You're the one for me." and she'd be like "Oh good. Let's go win this competition!" and then they'd go and win. Of course that's never going to happen, cause those movies are realistic and chicks don't like to listen, amirite?! Eh? Eh?!

Regardless, it's a tired fucking plot twist that you can see coming from the moment Shy Girl meets Secret Crush and Snobby Competition. As soon as you see this bitchy ass female competition who makes bitchy remarks or talks down to Shy Girl, you should automatically turn the movie off because you know the rest of the movie right there. "That scene" is going to happen. I promise. It always does. I don't even want an explanation of why you writers keep adding "that scene" to these movies, I'm not going to watch your shit anyway because they're all the same. No, I'm running away, far away to my house to go sulk over your unoriginal writing and shallow concepts of an actual plot for a movie. Why? Because

I'll get over it after this montage of me being sad.

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