Rant #5: Twilight

Originally posted: April 15, 2009 (MySpace)


Yeah that's right bitches, I am going there. Let's take a few minutes out of our busy work day to talk about TWILIGHT.

First, I'm not a fan of it. The movie is okay. I've never read the books. Like most of you out there, I'd never heard of Twilight until the movie was on its way. I'm going to bitch about the storyline, but that's not my main focus. I'm here to bitch about YOU.

If you read the books years ago, this rant doesn't apply to you. In fact, you'll probably agree with at least a paragraph or two.

You know what I find annoying? People, mostly teenage (or below[!]) girls, that are addicted to Twilight because of CEDR--- EDWARD. He's a fuckin' homo! (Actually he's okay but for rant's sake, he's a homo, k?). This movie came out, they saw the trailer, and suddenly were Twilight's biggest fans ever. Yeah... right.

Especially annoying are the ones who are all like "O M G Edward is my life!" or they change their MySpace to say that they live in Forks, Washington. No you don't, monkeyshit, I saw you the other day in Springfield. Unless you got an apartment out there and learned to teleport, you do not live there. Apparently the population of Forks is greater than that of Chicago now and 95% of them are young females. Bella must have some serious dating competition now. Fuck, grow up. It's a damn fictional story about a clumsy teenage girl that falls in love with a vampire and her life is constantly in mortal danger now.

Wait, that sounds familiar... Ohhh yeah, it sounds a lot like BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Twilight is a rehashed version of Buffy Seasons 1 and 2, except for Bella being a super strong slayer and whatnot. Buffy(Bella) is a clutzy-ish teen girl, falls in love with a vampire, Angel(Edward), blah blah blah. We've heard it before, it's not a big deal. And yeah I know a lot of things, books, movies, etc, take plot cues from other things in the past, hell, look at Star Wars, or even my own novel Angelfalls which uses a bare-bones plot of a Pok√©mon movie, but seriously. Buffy is leagues better than Twilight. Angel looks better than Edward anyway. Even my girlfriend can tell you that.

Also, let's talk a bit about the vampires in Twilight. They are bullshit. Sunlight should kill them, not make them look like some little girl spilled her makeup kit on them. That scene at the top of the mountain? Yeah Edward shoulda turned into Cedric-dust right there. They are too powerful. Setting them on fire and ripping them up to kill them is a bit ridiculous, don'tcha think? I know every vampire story has different methods of how they die. Buffy uses sunlight, stakes, holy water, fire, decapitation, etc. Blade also uses sunlight and some other stuff, I forget what else. Underworld also uses sunlight. Shit even UltraViolet used sunlight and they're not technically vampires. See a pattern here? Vampires + Sunlight = TOAST.

Those are my main gripes about it: The millions of sudden 'longtime fans' that the movie has acquired, a lot of whom are too young to understand the story even, and the vampires are stupid. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, so don't yell at me for that. It's okay I suppose. But seriously... I guess the bottom line is, YOU DON'T LIVE IN FORKS! (unless you actually do... but then you'd be pissed off too at all these girls moving in alluva sudden).

I got curious while writing this and did a people search on MySpace for only those living within 5 miles of the 98331 zip code (that's Forks, by the way, but if you live there you already know this), and I had 1,834 matches. This is only those with a profile picture. I clicked around on a few of them, all of which mentioned Twilight on the profile. The actual population of Forks in 2000 was something like 3,120. So in theory it IS possible that 1,834 of these MySpace people actually live in Forks... but very unlikely. Move back to your real town. Nobody is impressed.

Girls, as far as Edward goes, he's a fictional character that you'll never get to shag, so stop wasting your precious lifetime oogling over him and focus on something that's worth it.

Oh and I almost forgot this part:


PS: I'm not sure who that fuck you is directed at... but technically to qualify as a rant I have to say it at the end. So yeah. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hide in the bottom of an elevator shaft to avoid being maimed and killed by a mob of angry, pissed-off thirteen-year-old girls. Unlike Saddam, it will work for me. They don't qualify as an army, just a mob.


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