To Be Beat - A Dairy Queen-themed Parody of Without Me by Eminem
Written by Darth Boots

Another DQ-era song, writing this one made me realize that rap songs are really hard to parody, even more so when they're Eminem songs. Still, this is probably one of my favorites, though I'm going to have to explain a LOT of things in the sidebar.

The first thing you need to know, which I'll explain here rather than the side bar, is that I often referred to myself as "The Game" when I worked at DQ. I even wore it on my nametag as my name, I had a double name tag that said "I AM" on one and "THE GAME" on another. It was a reflection of how boss I was at the job. Overinflated ego? Perhaps, but I could bust out a Peanut Buster Parfait in 18 seconds, so I think it was slightly justified.

[Intro - Kelvin 0:01]

"Yo Half-Court. No Game, No Skillaz"

[Intro 1 - 2X 0:05]

Two stupid ass cars go round to the drive,
Round to the drive, Round to the drive...

[Intro 2 0:23 ]

Guess who's back, back again.
Game is back, tell a friend.
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
Guess who's back, guess who's back,
Guess who's back...

[Verse 1 0:48]

I've created a standard, 'cause nobody wants to
have skills no more, they want Gamey.
I'm mad skilla'd
Well if you want Gamey, this is what I'll give ya
A little bitta ice cream mixed with candy
Some sugar that will jumpstart your bod quicker
Than a crock pot that's filled way up with Misty
Mixed with Dr., the drawer that I'm operating
When I'm rockin the DQ while bein' slamigated "Hey"
You waited this long for a parfanatey
Cuz I'm back, I'm on the ball and ownigating
I know this ain't a real job Sir Flamey
But I just got fired when I was caught gaming
So the D-slash-T won't let me be
Or let me be free so let me see
They tried to swamp me good with that damn beep
But I'm just too damn good to be beat
So, here's a cone dipped, melt on your lips, "Fuck that"
down on your dick this cone you can kick
And get ready cuz this dick's about to get angry
I just cleared out my drive thru so "Fuck you, Lady!"

[Chorus 2X 1:31]

Now (*) this looks like the job for me
So everybody, just work like me
Cuz we need a little skill doncha see
Cuz I'm just too damn good, to be beat. I said (*)

[Verse 2 1:48]

Little jobbers, kids mouthin' their mommas,
Embarrassed, their parents can't afford 'em a blizzard
They start feeling like poor people helpless
Till someone comes up front lookin angry and yells "BITCH!"
A kitchenary, kitchen is scary, could start up a complaint
Pollutin' the air with my ass gas
So let me just smell it and ask
Well in fact now I got everyone smellin my ass
And it's a stank-aster such a big ass-trophe
For you to smell so damn much of my ass you ask for me
To stand back (gamea-gamea-gamea-gamea-gamea) fix their cone an then-a make
another blizzah in-a litta tinna cup no wonder you're in for the wintah
The center of attention, back for the scrilla
I'm interesting, the best thing since resting
Perfecting parfaits and all the best things
Testing "Clock In Please"
Feel the tension soon as someone honks at me
Where's my 10 cents, that they took from me
Some nuisance, get bent, you're spent on me

[Chorus 2X 2:30]

Now (*) this looks like the job for me
So everybody, just work like me
Cuz we need a little skill doncha see
Cuz I'm just too damn good, to be beat. I said (*)

[Verse 3 2:48]

A Chick-en a Bask-et
I go dip for dat wit anybody who's buying this shit that shit
Chris Fucking-dick, you can get your ass kicked
Worse than them little shiv-shizanked bastards
And Tony, you can get stomped by Chucky
You piece of trash cook who planned up a robbery
You got busted, you're too lame
We let you go, game over, nobody listens to Kevo
Now let's go, just give me the signal
I'll be down there flippin whole sets of those switches
My last hope, intenseful with a pencil
Ever since tense turned myself into a psycho
But sometimes the shit just seems
Everybody only wants to bother me
So this must mean I'm a-mazing
But it's just me, I'm just the king
Though I'm not the first king of Dairy Queen,
I am the worst thing since cash money
To take those orders so speedily
And make them fast to get the green
"Hey," there's a concept that works
Except 'bout half of the customers are jerks
But no matter how many step up to me,
I'm just too damn good, to be beat

[Chorus 2X 3:39]

Now (*) this looks like the job for me
So everybody, just work like me
Cuz we need a little skill doncha see
Cuz I'm just too damn good, to be beat. I said (*)

[Ending 3:55]

(I am the Game-ah, I am the Game-ah)
(I am the Game-ah, I am the Game)
(I am the Game-ah, I am the Game-ah)
(I am the Game-ah, I am the Game)

<---Parodies Home Screen

Intro - Kelvin was, IIRC, some guy we had that used to call me Half-Court as a joke. Good times, so for this, I had him doing the Obie Trice intro.





<-- First reference in the song to me being The Game, also a reference to returning to the job after quitting once.


















<--As in the slushy Mister Misty drink
<--Mixed with Dr. Pepper
<--slamigated = slammed = super fucking busy

<--parfanatey = parfait
<--owning



D/T = Drive-Thru


<--The headset would beep very loudly when a car pulled up. I hated it.










































<--scrilla = money, in case you people forgot that was a thing
























<--Chris was a guy I apparently didn't like, but I don't remember him.

<--This refers to an instance where I had my old sword with me at work and some little kids were trying to get at it and I pulled it out and the blade contacted one of their hands. I don't think they were cut, but they didn't like it at all.
<--Tony refers to a black guy we had that worked with us that we "highly suspect" planned a robbery that happened one night. While it was going down he was on the phone, in plain sight of the incident, and completely "not seeing it". There's more to it than that, you'd have to know the layout of the old building, but yeah. And Chucky from that line refers to our boss, Chuck (RIP)
<--Kevo refers to a manager we had for a bit named Kevin that nobody really listened to, I don't remember but I don't think he was around very long.
<--The line about the signal and the switches refers to shutting off all the lights. We had a "signal" for closing time. Shutting the lights off involved flipping lots of breakers, which were midway down the stairs to the basement, so someone would wait at the breakers for the magic time and then someone at the top of the stairs would flip them the bird when it was time. Good times.

<--This line refers mostly to how money is terrible, but everyone wants it, then I come along and everyone wants me more. Or some philosophical shit like that.
<--The green, again, is money.






















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