Rant #12: Fast-Food Customers

Posted: 10.5.2010
Last Updated: 10.9.2011


Holy fucking anal piss, where do I even begin with this one?! Well, for one, let's just say this:

The vast majority of you are retarded as FUCK. I was saving a lot of this material for an attempt at a short YouTube Show, but fuck that bitch ass shit, I need to get this out there now.

Disclaimers: I work at McDonald's. These rants apply to this chain, mostly, as there are different aspects to other chains (such as Hardee's, or Wendy's) which I may not be familiar with or be aware of. Though McDonald's restaurants try to stay pretty much the same throughout the entire chain, there are varying items, aspects and equipment specific to how each store operates. The points I'm making are completely specific to the store I work at and may or may not also apply to your store (chances are, most will). Most of these points apply to Drive-Thru and Take Out orders, where we may not be able to see every person that's with you (or you are by yourself bringing grub home to the fam), though a few things apply to inside orders as well.

More Disclaimer: The following views and opinions expressed here are my own personal views and do not reflect the views and opinions of the McDonald's Corporation. And a few things are just here for the lulz.

I want to share my experiences with you all to hopefully educate you fuckballers a bit and make your ordering experience easier at our particular McDonald's location.

We Are Not Mindreaders
That being said, you know what I love? The (very) large (that word being in bold text is a fat joke, people!) number of you that think we can read minds and know what you want without you saying so, like when you pull up to the speaker, or walk up to the register, and say something like "Yeah I'd like a medium shake" (or, alternately, "I'd like a chocolate shake") and that's it. Or, worse, you continue to order items after saying something like this. What's wrong with this, you might ask? If you have to ask, this rant is directed at you. WHAT FUCKING FLAVOR, DIPSHIT? (alternately, WHAT FUCKING SIZE, DIPSHIT?) - we cannot know this without you telling us, and while some items can be assumed, most of us will not make assumptions about what you want. For example, "I'd like a Sweet Tea" translates automatically to Large, since at our store, they are and probably always will be, on the dollar menu -- if you don't want a Large one, you'd better fucking specify it UNLESS you order it with a kids meal, where we will generally assume the size is relative to the kids meal (child or small).

   More fail examples include, but are not limited to, the following:
     "I'd like a number <insert number of value meal here> Value Meal. That's all." What did you want to drink with that, anal lips? (does not apply to inside orders)
     "I want an order of fries please". What fucking size, shaftwanker?
"Lemme get some chicken nuggets" 4, 6, 10, 20 or 50 piece, poleturner? And did you need sauce with those?
     "I want a salad with extra dressing". Uh... what kind of salad, fucktopper?
     "Can I have a snack wrap and a Dr. Pepper" Sure, if you tell me WHAT FUCKING KIND OF SNACK WRAP (Note: This includes information such as 'Grilled or Crispy' followed by 'Ranch, Honey Mustard or Barbecue' or 'Angus' followed by 'Deluxe, Bacon and Cheese, Mushroom and Swiss, or Chipotle Barbecue Bacon and Cheese') and WHAT FUCKING SIZE DR PEPPER, you fuckbagger.
     "I need a happy meal with an apple juice, uh... two pies... " Whoa whoa whoa dicktwister, hold the phone. What kind of happy meal (4 nuggets, hamburger or cheeseburger)? Fries or Apple Dippers? Is it for a boy or a girl (or under 3 toy)? What kind of pies? If it's nuggets, did you want any sauce with that? (This applies to ANY AND ALL orders of nuggets as well) Now that we have that unnecessary anal storm of questions out of the way, please, continue failing to order.

Sure, it's possible to forget to mention the size (I've done it myself), but it happens WAY TOO OFTEN to have that as an excuse every single time. I have to ask dozens and dozens (is there a word for 50+?) of customers per day to be specific about something, so fuck that "they just forgot" excuse.

Now that I've bitched about that, let's move on...

We Are Not Ripping You Off (most of the time, anyway)
This point is relevant mostly to one concept that you retarded herd of cows just cannot seem to grasp that I like to call the "Freedom of Choosing what drink you get with your meals". You know what this is? It's when you order any meal, say a Big Mac Meal, and on the screen it pops up "BIG MAC MEAL - $x.xx" with the price of the BASE MEAL. This price on the screen, and on the receipt, if you'll notice, DOES NOT MATCH the price on the signs. The price on the signs is higher than the base price because it includes a medium soda in this price. That soda, however, is not included in the meal price when you ring it in. Why is this? Because each soda has its own button in our registers, which we press based on what you want, and then it adds that soda in so the people in the front making your drinks (or, the machine, rather) know what drink to give you. This also allows you the freedom to get a large drink, or a milkshake, or a coffee, or a smoothie (mmm, smoothie) INSTEAD OF your medium soda, and since those items are more expensive, it adjusts the price of the meal accordingly, and thus the drinks APPEAR separately on the receipt and the outside screen, but for the last time, you are not being charged 'extra' for your medium soda!!! It is not a difficult concept to understand, please wrap your thick minds around it and shut the fuck up about it. It seems we are getting this complaint more often these days and it's way too much effort to put it into words that you all seem to understand.

Also, on this topic, you CANNOT have a "value meal" without a drink. Water does not count, since it is free, unless it is the bottled variety. The registers WILL NOT let us charge you the "meal" price with no drink rang in. You've have to buy the sandwich and fries separately if you want no drink, and this only saves you around 30 cents, if that. Think about it.

Also, extra sauces or toppings. These things cost us money, and it only makes good business sense that we charge you for them. Mostly, this includes nugget sauces or extra salad dressings, but can also apply to extra food toppings. Generally, with a 4 or 6 nugget you get 1 sauce. With a 10 you get 2, with a 20 you get 3 (though we usually will give you 4), and a 50 grants you 10. Anything above that, the person running the register is supposed to charge you for. Do not yell at us for doing so -- it's part of our jobs. If you don't like it, you need to take it up with the owner. There's a handy little 1-800 number we can give you that you can call for that purpose. Yelling at the minimum-wage 16-year-old girl over the speaker or at the window accomplishes DICK (and it makes you look like one). This applies to burger toppings too, though, I often find some of the pricing ridiculous myself. A slice of cheese can run you $.80, and bacon tacks on close to (if not more than) a full dollar. If you want extra cheese, it's much cheaper to bring the food home and add it yourself. I personally feel that removing toppings from food should lower the price, but unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

      Things you will most likely be charged for:
     *Bacon   *Mayo    *Lettuce, be it shredded or leaf    *Cheese     *Extra Dressing or Sauces exceeding the allowed amount    
     *Medium or Large Water (but not Child or Small)
     This stuff is programmed into our system to charge you if we add it to your food, there is NOTHING we can do about it (well... we could promo it off, but we're not going to and many of us don't even know how)

     On the flipside: Our registers are all touch-screen. Sometimes they can be sensitive, or just mis-touched. If you have a smartphone you probably know what I'm talking about. It is very possible (and happens frequently) for extra items to be accidentally added to your order. We will almost always catch this when it happens and often fix it before you notice (due to the outside screen taking a moment to catch up to the register). However, there are some things that may slip by - pay close attention to the items on the screen, especially if you are special-ordering food. It's possible that machine will add something that has a charge (such as a cheese slice) and we don't notice, and this is an extra 80 cents you shouldn't be spending. In other words, we're not ripping you off on purpose, but it can happen. Be vigilant, but not retarded. The god damn screen is out there for a reason. Pay attention to it. I cannot possibly count the number of times a customer has reached the front window, been given their order, and said "We're missing <item>." "Hm, they didn't ring in <item>." Don't get pissed off when this happens, because YOU should have noticed this on the screen and said something about it. It's there for ORDER ACCURACY (the damn screen itself says this). Sure, larger orders tend to shove items off the screen (it only holds like 10 lines of text or so), but pay attention to it as it scrolls.

Watch How You Order
The way you place an order can and often does adversely affect the price. For example, if you're ordering for multiple people, and your order goes like this: "I'd like a 10 piece McNugget, a Medium Dr. Pepper, uh, a small order of fries, a crispy ranch snack wrap, two medium fries, a large sweet tea, a double cheeseburger" - do you see what's going on here? The BOLD UNDERLINED items make up the Number 10 - the 10 Nugget Meal. The ITALICIZED items make a Double Cheeseburger meal. By ordering them in this fashion, you are paying a significant amount more for them than you would if you order them in meal fashion. So what if the individual items aren't for the same person, you can split them up later and pay less now. Many of us will realize this, but not give a fuck to combine them (I personally almost always realize that you could save more than a dollar if they were in value meal form but usually don't care to change it).

Specify It's A Meal
If you say "I want a 10 piece nugget with a Dr. Pepper and BBQ sauce" - you have NOT ordered a value meal just now. You will NOT get fries with that. Just saying that you want a drink 'with' it does not immediately make it a meal. Be specific, ballface. On the reverse of that, if you say "I want a number 1" but you don't want the meal, you bet your ass we're going to assume you want the meal and ask what drink you want. If you just want a Big Mac, then fucking say "I'd like a Big Mac." instead of ordering the "Number 1", which is a fucking Big Mac Meal.

We Are People Too
Some customers have a complete lack of respect for any fast food employee. They seem to have this opinion that we are lower life forms of some sort and that it's cool to yell and scream and insult us for a simple mistake. We're a very busy fast food chain that serves hundreds of customers per day. If we mess up your order, please keep in mind that we do not 'suck at our jobs' and are not 'complete failures' -- 99% of the orders that go through our store each day (that's usually over 1000) are made correctly and with no trouble. Occasionally, things happen, people mess up, there's a miscommunication -- whatever, you know? It's no reason to start screaming and wasting energy over something so small. And if you really think you can do it better, then get your ass behind the counter and prove it. Run around like a madman for nine hours a day (or more) serving the never-ending herd of cows that come to graze under the golden arches and the drive-thru pasture and you'll start to see how things can sometimes go wrong. And remember that it's not an easy job to do either, so if we're not all smiles and giggles at seeing your 300 pound gut digging into your steering wheel as you stretch your tubby arms out of your car to give us your welfare money for a quarter pounder, you don't have to go off in a frenzy about how we were 'so rude' to you. Not being extra friendly and asking how your day is isn't the same thing as being rude. We just don't care, we see hundreds of you guys per day. Sure, we know some of you by name because you're nice, you know what you want, you're friendly with us, chat a bit, come through every day, etc, but most of you are just cows to us. While we do care (most of us, anyway) about the accuracy and quality of what we're giving to you, we can't always get it perfectly correct. The bottom line is, flying off the handle cause we made a simple mistake is totally uncalled for, and if you calmly explain what happened and what you needed, we'll fix it. Hell, half the time we'll offer up some freebie like a sundae or some pies for your trouble, but the chances of that happening drop significantly if you're an asshole about it. Grow up. I've seen asshole customers make employees (younger, female ones) cry because they were assholes to them, and that is un-fucking-called for. We hope you choke on your food. Oh, and as a last note: You may think our job is fail, but we have more job security, bitch. There's always a demand for cows like you to eat fast food even with your unemployment checks that could be better spent on real food. Yeah, I know what those cards look like, I used to have one. Have fun getting laid off when your corporation downsizes.

On the flipside: Being friendly and smiling is part of our jobs, getting your order correct, and making sure you're getting your money's worth are things we are paid for. You have a right to be annoyed if you have to come back to the store to get your order fixed from a mistake, but you need to handle it responsibly. And if we're not doing our jobs properly, you can and should bring it to the attention of a manager, but before you do, take a look around and check out the situation. Are we getting killed (a term for having tons of customers in drive-thru and in the store) and understaffed? Mistakes will happen, we're in a huge rush right now, so take that into account before you go postal. Also you should be aware of what our jobs entail, specifically, instead of making assumptions. Be informed and be calm and polite and you'll get what you want with no problem. Also, check your receipt to make sure you weren't charged for something you didn't get - if you weren't, chances are we didn't hear it (and you should have checked the screen if you came through drive-thru to make sure it was right in the first place). A lady came in the other day and she was pretty civil about a mistake on her cheeseburger... and then she wanted to order a second one just like it. We called it back and gave it to her, free of charge. If she had been irate and pissed off, you bet your ass I would have rang that shit up.

There's No Fire In Your Car...
SO DON'T FUCKING SMOKE IN DRIVE-THRU! This pisses me off. I hate smoking and being around smoke, and when you pull up and I open the window and an assload of cancer gas pours in, I want to reach out and choke the life from you. It will save time and make your eventual death (caused from smoking) come sooner. I don't care that you smoke... but I shouldn't have to suffer the effects of it. Put your cigs out before you come through is all I'm asking. Any of us that smoke won't care, but still. Also, smoking within 10 or 15 feet of a building entrance is illegal in this state, so if you wanna get technical, this applies to drive-thru windows (which it actually does, if you read the smoking ban and do a control-f for "windows") So seriously, put that shit out and show some respect for the well-being of others, cuntpunter.

While I'm on the topic, I wanna get this off my chest too. Smoking, in the car, with your children present. What. The. Fuck!? What kind of asshole parent are you that you don't care about the safety of your children and smoke around them where they can't get away from the toxic death fumes you're producing. The same applies to your pets. Usually this is dogs, and I don't much care for them anyway, but that's not the point. Seriously, get a fucking clue, dickball.

Patience, Douchenfucker
When you first pull up to our particular drive-thru, give us time to respond. You have no idea what we're doing on the other end of that speaker, be it cleaning something, carrying something large that prevents us from immediately reaching for the button on our headset, etc. When you first pull up, there is about a 2 second delay until the thing realizes you are there, and which point it begins beeping in our headset, so have some fucking patience. People that pull up and immediately say "Hello?!" drive me close to insanity. This is the absolute worst thing you can do because it makes me want to come out the back door and stab you in the eye with a flurry spoon. We are often busy taking another customer's money at the moment you pull up, or clarifying something with them, or whatever. Trust us, the system knows you are there, we know you are there, and we'll be with you in a second or three. Just wait (though if it's more than 30 seconds, something is probably wrong inside, though we should have greeted you and asked you to hang on a moment by now. If not, try saying something then).

Other Annoyances

  • If your fucking WINDOW doesn't work in your car, get your fat ass out and come inside! Is it really that taxing to move your lump of glutinous mass out of the driver seat, waddle across the parking lot, heave yourself up the handicap ramp (which is like four inches of total height from the ground, if that), outstretch your stubby arms and pull open a set of doors? Nothing is more annoying than someone pulling up and popping their door open and reaching backward to try and wrangle a bunch of crap into their car at an awkward angle. Some of you even try to explain this "<fake laugh> My window doesn't work (or is frozen, in the winter)." Shut. The fuck. Up.
  • If it's raining - turn off your fucking windshield wipers in the drive-thru. This means YOU, soccer moms with minivans and guys in trucks. You know what happens when you get to our window (especially the front one) with your wipers going? You may as well be spraying a god damned waterhose at us. With the amount of water those things sling inside, it's pretty much the same thing.
  • When we first greet you, it's usually with "<generic welcome to McDonald's greeting>, would you like to try our <whatever item we're suggestive selling at the time>?". This is NOT pre-recorded (at our store anyway. At some stores it is, but not ours). This is basically us saying "What do you want, fatass?" In other words, you can order now. About 1 out of every 100 of you will simply sit there after saying "no" to this question, and 10-30 seconds will then pass before we get tired of waiting for you to order before we tell you "You can order whenever you're ready." AS IF YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS. Oh wait, apparently you didn't, because most of the time you'll begin ordering right away. Bottom line: The greeting/suggestive selling is your cue to order.
  • On the topic of suggestive selling: I hate it, you hate it, we all hate it. But we have to do it, because the bosses say so. It's annoying, but it's part of the job. Get over it. If you really don't like it, stop coming around, and tell the corporate people "I stopped going because of suggestive selling." I'd love to see that happen with a few thousand people, they'd definitely have us stop doing it then.
  • "Go Large" - This is finding its way into drive-thru orders more and more often every day. You guys are fuckheads. "Go Large" is a BURGER KING phrase. We are not fucking BURGER KING. OUR FOOD IS NOT THAT GOOD. This one is me nitpicking, but it's annoying as shit to nearly everyone I work with. Please stop. The proper term is "Large" or "Large Size".
  • And while we're on the subject, stop ordering fucking Blizzards at McDonald's. Those belong to Dairy Queen and were stolen by McDonald's just over 10 years ago. Again, McFlurries are not that good, so stop confusing the two. Idiot.
  • "From The Dollar Menu" - For some fucked up reason, some of you come in and feel the need to specify that everything you're ordering is on the dollar menu, as if we don't already know this. We fucking work here, we know what's on the menu and where. Also, the way many of you say it "I'd like a fry off your dollar menu, a McDouble off your dollar menu" - are you asking us to take these items off of the menu? You want to pay more for them? I'm sure Dave, our badass owner, would be more than happy to raise the prices on these items for you if you really want. The bottom line on this point is: WE KNOW THAT A MCDOUBLE IS ON THE DOLLAR MENU. WHERE THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT BE? SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.
  • Diesel engines in drive-thru: Turn that shit off. 'nuff said.
  • Ordering from the passenger seat in a whispering voice? Fuck you. This is especially true to wives/girlfriends whose significant others are too dumb or have been whipped to the point that they can no longer order for themselves or the rest of their family. At least speak up, bitch.
  • When you ask us to give you a moment, and then when you've decided, you say "Okay I'm ready." Then you sit there and wait... And wait... and eventually say "Hello?" -- Hey, McFly, we are waiting on you, not the other way around. Fucking place your god damn order, we didn't go anywhere.
  • We know what "plain" means. Many of you have been saying "plain, nothing on it". No shit, is that the definition of plain these days? Damn, thanks for educating me on that.

  • Coning. Just stop. Now.

  • Chocolate Ice Cream: We don't fucking have it. Stop asking for it.

  • High School Girls: Giggling incessantly at the speaker is not necessary. There isn't anything that funny about placing an order at McDonald's, unless it's the fact that you're giving us money to destroy your physical health and well being. LOL, I guess, actually, that is funny. Keep laughing, sheeplet.

Let's Recap The Ordering Experience

So, to recap the beginning, I'm going to go over how to smooth your ordering experience and make it easier for both of us. When you pull up, someone will often suggestive sell you something ( "Would you like to try a Big Mac Meal today?" ) or some shit.

 When ordering Value Meals:
     -If you want them Large-Sized (fries and drink), please say so IMMEDIATELY, BEFORE you make any specific requests (such as no onions or extra lettuce or whatever). The reason is that the Large and Regular value meals are separate buttons, and if we special-order your "number 2" and then you tell us large size, we have to erase it and start over, as I said earlier, which pisses me off. The proper order procedure for value meals is TYPE, SIZE, SPECIAL ORDER, DRINK.
     -If you order nuggets, or chicken selects, please specify if you want sauce or not and what kind. It will save us from having to ask, and please tell us after you've order that meal, not after you've ordered everything else. Keep in mind the number of sauces you get for free with each size (detailed above) and remember we will charge for more than that.

     Wrong Example: I want a number 2 add lettuce and tomato, no mustard, with a Dr Pepper... oh can you make that a large meal?" WRONG.
     Correct Example: I want a large-size number 2 meal, add lettuce and tomato, no mustard, with a Dr Pepper." DING DING!

 When ordering Happy/Mighty Meals: Kids meals are tricky beasts because they have so many options.
     -If you want Apple Dippers, please say so immediately. (It goes along with the separate button thing from above)
     -Please specify girl or boy or under 3 toy as soon as you've specified which type of meal you want.

     Correct Example: I'd like a Mighty Kids chicken nugget meal with apple dippers, sweet and sour sauce with that for a girl and a chocolate milk to drink. - sweet and perfect. It doesn't matter which order you tell us the sauce, drink, or toy type in, as long as you tell us all of that information along with the meal order.

 When ordering Snack Wraps, specify Grilled or Crispy Chicken (Same goes for the Club, BLT or Classic sandwiches), or, if they are Angus wraps, specify Deluxe, Bacon and Cheese, or Mushroom and Swiss. Specify this AS you order it and before you make any special changes, as we need to press the button for the base item before we can make any changes.

    Correct Example of a perfect order: "I'd like to get a Number One Large with no onions and a Coke, a Number Six Crispy regular size with a Dr Pepper, a Chicken Nugget Happy Meal (this will tell us it's a four piece, as long as you say Happy Meal or Mighty Kids Meal for six piece) with Apple Dippers (or fries), no sauce, under 3 toy, with a sprite, and two Apple pies and a plain sundae, that's all."

The Last Word

So yeah... The bottom line on all of this, don't be a fucking idiot or an asshole when you come to McDonald's or Hardee's or Wendy's or Taco Bell or wherever the hell you're going, and if you haven't learned a thing or two from the longest rant-that's-more-like-an-informative-brochure, then


Final Note: I will probably edit and tweak this a lot over the next few weeks months. I wrote it in two nights so I'm sure I left things out or new idiotic things will arise and I will need to expand it and so on. So check back later and be aware of the "Last Updated" date at the top.

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