Rant #20: Coning

 Posted 10.9.2011


Hi, I'd like one ice cream cone *tee hee hee*. That's all...  Yeah, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. Motherfucking Coning (or, Cone-ing, if you're retarded and don't understand how the English language works). For those of you who don't know what coning is, allow me to introduce you to the new low that today's teens/young adults have fallen to. Please, by all means, check this video.

Now that we're educated, let's talk about why this is fucking stupid. Now, in the above example, this guy is doing it properly. He's taking the cone (by the ice cream, mind you), and eating it backwards (that's what she said). And that's all well and good, let him make a damn mess of his hands, but at least he's eating the ice cream. Most of the ignorant kids that come through our store, however, do it completely fucking wrong. How can you fuck up something this simple? Well I'll god damn tell you! What these lint-lickers do is come through, and drive away as we hand the cone out while someone in the back seat (or the driver) grabs it by the ice cream at the same time. As a result of this incompetent retardation, they end up dropping the cone most of the time - and end up not eating wasting it.

That alone makes coning an abomination and is the reason why our current generation, and likely the one afterward, is completely fucked. It's a waste of food, it's a waste of money, and it's a waste of time. Granted, not very much food or money, but as many times as this shit happened to us a day this summer, that shit adds up. Throw in planking and owling, and yeah, the theory of evolution goes out the fucking window, not that I buy into that shit anyway. If evolution were real, then why the fuck are we DE-evolving with each generation? And people wonder why half the world wants to blow us the fuck up. If China, Russia, or Germany ever had an interest in taking over the U.S.A., they'd see this shit and say "Whoa, fuck that, we don't need that shit infecting our culture. You guys can keep it." Even Japan thinks this shit is whack, and we saw how fucked up they can be in Rant 18.

Coners, listen to me now. You're not being funny to anyone except yourselves. You're not being original, we see this happen almost every day. It's old. Find something else to do that doesn't involve being wasteful. Roll around in a large pool of meat and then jump off a bridge into shark-infested waters or something. If I wouldn't get fired for it, I would love to fucking chase you down with a stolen car and beat the shit out of you with a hamster.

However, before I end this, I want to share a story of an "original" coning. One of my co-workers got coned, and it went like this. This car pulls up to the window, she hands the cone out. There's a guy dressed up like Harry Potter, and he pulls out a wand, yells "Expelliarmus!" and uses the wand to knock the cone out of her hand. That, my friends, is how to be original and funny with the prank. Just don't do it again, cause then you're copying (read: not original).

Basically, what I'm trying to say to coners, in two words or less, is

Okay, maybe that was five words. But you get the fucking idea.

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